(Sixth Sunday of Easter: This homily was given on May 4, 1997 at St. Pius X Church, Westerly, R.I. by Fr. Raymond Suriani. Read 1 John 4: 7-10; John 15: 9-17.)

"Modern love and real love."

Not long ago I received an e-mail letter from a woman who is on the Ethics Committee at a hospital in Boston. In it, she described the case of an 83 year old woman with aplastic anemia--a disease which wipes out a person’s mature white blood cells. Here’s some of what she said:

"The deteriorating condition of this woman required that she receive several blood and platelet transfusions. This treatment was considered maintenance only. The transfusions kept her blood levels up enough to keep her from hemorrhaging, help fight infection and ease her breathing. The patient was not experiencing any discomfort beyond that expected from receiving transfusions. However, there was a possibility she would experience discomfort with the halting of transfusions.

The attending physician came to me because he was having an "ethical problem" in continuing to treat this patient. He felt the treatment was futile and wasteful. He defined wasteful as utilizing resources (i.e. blood/platelets) to no avail. he felt the resources should be used on others who had a better prognosis. He also felt that the transfusions were not adding to the quality of this patient’s life. His will was for the patient to stop all treatment and return home to die. He explained to the patient that he would prescribe medication to keep her comfortable.

It appeared to me that there was much persuading on his part with the patient to accept his recommendations. The patient requested continued treatment despite the physician’s wishes. The physician discerned that the patient was in denial and just did not want to accept the fact that she was terminal. I asked if he had gotten a psych consult to confirm that diagnosis, but he did not think it necessary.

This case was brought to the Ethics Committee for discussion. The physician stated the case as above. I noted that this was an unusual issue. The physician, the majority of the time, comes for advice because the patient refuses treatment the physician wants to continue. This case involved a physician wanting to stop treatment that a patient wants to continue.

A little later she ended her letter by asking me for my thoughts on the matter. Well, that’s easy: As far as I’m concerned, this is just another example of "modern love." Believe it or not, the real-life situation that this woman describes in her letter is actually a modern love story. This "compassionate, caring" physician is simply responding with "modern love" toward his patient. Notice I didn’t say he’s responding with "real love," I said he’s responding with "modern love"--the two, of course, are quite different.

So what’s the difference? Well, real love is what we heard about in today’s second reading and gospel text (we’ll get to those in a minute.) Modern love, unfortunately, is the type of love which pervades our society at the present time--so much so that many people are now unable to distinguish this false type of love from the real thing. In fact, I dare say, those of us who are under 35 have grown up in a world where this notion of love has prevailed. And that’s a scary thought--because it means that some people in our culture have probably never experienced true love in their lives. They’ve only experienced the counterfeit.

So, what is the counterfeit? What is modern love? How can it be defined? That’s also quite easy: Modern love equals selfishness. (That’s the word to remember: selfishness.) Modern love isn’t about me giving myself to you in self-sacrifice--it’s about what you can or should do for me. Which is precisely the attitude this doctor has toward this 83 year old woman. He just doesn’t want to be bothered treating her: "Look, my dear woman, I’m a busy man. I have lots of patients. I have many responsibilities. This is a very big hospital, you know. The fact is, you’re taking up too much of my time and energy. Furthermore, you’re taking away valuable medical resources from healthier people who could use them. So you have a duty, my dear friend--a duty to me and to the rest of society. You have a duty to go home and die and do us all a favor." That is selfishness under the guise of love. And it’s this very same type of selfish love that stands behind so many of the evils in today’s world: abortion, contraception, lying, cheating--the list goes on and on.

When St. John tells us in today’s second reading to "love one another," this is definitely not the kind of love he’s talking about. He is echoing the thoughts of Jesus--thoughts which he first heard at the Last Supper, and which he later recorded in the 15th chapter of his gospel. We heard an excerpt from that chapter a few moments ago. . . . Jesus said, "This is my commandment: love one another as I have loved you." Now what’s extremely important to note about that commandment is the qualifying phrase at the end of it: "as I have loved you." You see, if Jesus had only said, "Love one another," then we could have interpreted it in any way we wanted. But Jesus was very specific. He said, "Love one another, as I have loved you." And how did Jesus love us? Unto death! He was not selfish, he was completely selfless--he loved us by selflessly giving his "all" for our salvation. As he himself put it in the very next line of the text: "There is no greater love than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends." That’s why I’ve always said that the best definition of love that’s ever been given is the Cross--because the Cross of Jesus was the ultimate act of self-giving and self-sacrifice. And isn’t it interesting--Jesus makes a connection between this type of love and joy! He says, "All this I tell you that my joy may be yours and your joy may be complete." The prevailing idea in today’s world is that if you want joy you should "grab for all the gusto you can" and "think of yourself first." According to Jesus, the truth is exactly the opposite.

In the last 30 or 40 years, modern love and not the love of Jesus has taken firm root in two places where it’s wreaked havoc: one is in marriage, the other is in family life. Here’s one anecdotal example of what I mean:

Last week I was taking a walk, and I caught sight of one of our parishioners in his yard feverishly raking his lawn and giving his property a ‘spring cleaning.’ I shouted to him, "Hey, why aren’t your two teenagers helping you?" Do you know what he did? He laughed! That was his response!--as if to say, "Fr. Ray, that’s a very nice thought, but--you’ve got to be kidding!"

My brothers and sisters, it used to be that when children did chores, they did them willingly (perhaps not happily, but they still did them willingly)--because they had a sense of responsibility toward their family. To a great extent, that selfless idea of personal responsibility has now gone by the wayside. Therefore children will now say, "Okay, mom and dad, I’ll do what you want, but--what’s in it for me? What do I get out of this deal?" So in order to get a child to do something around the house, many parents these days will end up resorting to bribery--bribery which serves only to perpetuate this modern, selfish type of love: "Okay, son, if you mow the lawn and clean your room, then you can take the car and go out with your friends."

Perhaps this gives us one insight as to why there is so little joy in so many families today. Jesus indicates that joy comes from living his message of love, not the world’s.

Dear Jesus, help us. We want your love in our hearts. We want your love in our families. We want your love to pervade our society and world. Give us all a special grace at this Mass, so that we will be your instruments in making this change happen. Give us all the special grace we need to love one another in the very same way that you have loved us. Amen.