"How to forgive: a method that works."

Everybody has to, but very few people want to, and still fewer seem to know how to . . . FORGIVE, that is. Everyone has to because if we don't forgive others the Lord will not forgive us. Jesus makes that fact crystal clear in this Gospel parable of the unforgiving servant, as well as in Matthew 6:15 when he says, "If you forgive others their transgressions, your heavenly Father will forgive you. But if you do not forgive others, neither will your Father forgive your transgressions." And incidentally, the "seventy-seven times" Jesus mentions prior to telling this parable is not meant to be taken literally. Seven in the Bible is a number that signifies fullness, hence seventy-seven in this context means that our forgiveness must be limitless. I mention this because I know what some of you are thinking: "Rotten old so-and-so used up his seventy-seven a long time ago, so I guess I'm off the hook!" Sorry to be the bearer of bad tidings, but you're not off the hook!--even if rotten old so-and-so has hurt you a hundred and seventy-seven times!

So everybody has to forgive, but very few of us want to--especially, I would say, because our culture has fed us the message that forgiveness is a sign of weakness. That, of course, is exactly the opposite of the truth. In reality, the strong person is not the one who lets his anger fester and who holds a grudge (anybody can do that); the strong person is the one who takes the difficult path and makes the hard decision to forgive. Forgiveness requires strength of character; unforgiveness requires no talent whatsoever.

Everybody has to, but very few people want to, and still fewer seem to know how to. Which is why I'm giving this particular homily today. This is a "how to" homily. Several years ago, in one of our teenagers' prayer-share groups, some of the young people who were present told me they were extremely angry with some of their classmates at school, and asked what they could do to deal with their feelings of bitterness and unforgiveness. They said, "Fr. Ray, we know we're supposed to forgive, but these people have hurt us deeply." In response, I typed up 5 "forgiveness steps," and gave them out at the next meeting. I told them, "These are 5 simple steps that you can use in your own personal prayer time to help you let go of your unforgiveness." Today I make these forgiveness steps available to all of you. I invite you to take a copy of these with you when you leave church at the end of Mass. If you're like me, you will use them quite often. Now, to be perfectly honest, I can't claim the credit for thinking these up. I first heard these steps outlined in an audio tape series on forgiveness, put together by a Protestant minister and his wife. Incidentally, I remember the minister saying that he and his wife often used this method after they themselves had argued. He said that whenever they had a big disagreement, they would each go off by themselves and go through their forgiveness steps. Then they would come back together better able to face the problem at hand, because they had made the effort to deal with the negative emotions they were feeling toward one another. And that makes perfect sense, does it not? When you are filled with anger toward another person, and that person is filled with anger toward you, what happens when you get together? An atomic blast, right? And nothing gets solved; in fact, very often the problem gets worse. Well, believe it or not, these simple forgiveness steps can help us all to avoid this type of nuclear war.

Very quickly now, let me outline the steps for you:

First of all, try to find a quiet place where you can be alone with the Lord and with your own thoughts (someplace where the Blessed Sacrament is reserved would be ideal, but a quiet room at home would suffice.) Then ask the Holy Spirit to come and to be with you as you go through your forgiveness steps.

Step 1: Step one is to tell the Lord exactly how you feel about the person who's offended you. Close your eyes, talk to the Lord like he's your best friend (since he is), and express your anger (avoiding vulgarities, of course!). Why this step? Well, it's important for us in this process to acknowledge our anger and to let it out in a controlled, safe manner. Contrary to what some people believe, Christians are not supposed to deny their anger and to pretend that everything is fine in a relationship when everything isn't. In the power of the Holy Spirit, Christians are supposed to face their problems and deal with them. In this case, it means facing and acknowledging our negative emotions. Now this step may take a minute, or it may take a lot longer--depending on how deep the hurt is. I know that when I go through this step, I'll get to the point where I let out a big sigh and my whole body relaxes. To me, that's the sign that I've sufficiently "discharged my mind and my anger."

Step 2: Once you've expressed your feelings in this way, say to the Lord, "Lord Jesus Christ, in your name I forgive ___________ for what he (or she) has done to offend me." And don't worry about whether or not you "feel" like forgiving the person. Again, contrary to what many people believe, forgiveness is NOT an emotion, it's an act of the WILL! That means it's possible to forgive someone even when you don't feel like it. Interestingly enough, sometimes our feelings will change after we've made the decision to forgive.

Step 3: Ask Jesus to forgive the person for what he (or she) has done. The Lord tells us that we are to love our enemies. That does not mean we have to like the things they do; nor does it mean that we have to like them in the same way that we like our closest friends. It means we must always desire "good things" for them in their lives. The best thing we can possibly desire for another human person is that they be forgiven by God and become holy in his sight. This is why step three is so important.

Step 4: Ask Jesus to forgive YOU for your sinful reaction toward the person who hurt you. Yes, it's true: this person sinned against you and hurt you deeply. But, in allowing hatred and anger and resentment to fester and grow in your heart, you have also committed a sin. It may even be a mortal sin! (Remember, St. John in his first letter equates deep hatred with murder.) But even if your level of anger and unforgiveness doesn't qualify as mortally sinful, repentance is still required. After asking the Lord to forgive you, I recommend saying an act of contrition. And, of course, if this has been a case of deep hatred or anger on your part, you should make plans to go to Confession at the next available opportunity.

The final step is two-fold: first, ask Jesus to fill you with the Holy Spirit, and for whatever "fruits" of the Spirit you desire: love, joy, peace, patience, etc. You've just gotten rid of your anger and hate, now you should want the Lord to fill your heart with his life and blessings.

The second part of the last step is to ask the Lord to bless the person who offended you. If you can get to the point where you sincerely ask Jesus to bless this person, then you will know that you've worked through at least some of your unforgiveness.

Let me close today by saying that I know (from personal experience!) that these forgiveness steps work! And the great thing about them is that you can use them over and over again--even with repeat offenders! Because, unfortunately, there are some people in our lives who may need to be forgiven on a daily--or even an hourly--basis!